Im fed up.

I found myself having a conversation with god
I decided, that if there is a meaning to all that happens, then I dont want no more fucking part in it

Im near exhausted

its not as if its going to end up rosy either way
if theres an afterlife, and I get to spend the rest of eternity in it enjoying myself
then thats fine
if theres none, I wont be around to care, or to realise how pathetically insignificant my molecules' life really was

theres no chance therell be a hell, makes no sense at all
if I get to the afterlife, and gods like 'well I put you through some seriously heavy shit, but you didnt pull the cashier in the co-op with the big bottom, OR finish your book. So milado, fuck off and endure some more of my brilliant master plan. ITS A TEST YOU SEE HAHAHA'
Then Im gonna ask for my soul to be deleeted from existence

life isnt fair,
my dad taught me that when I was young,
although I didnt learn it till I was older

its true life isnt fair
but also life is more unfair for some than for others
which makes it even more unfair for the ones its less fair to

lol which is me probably, even though Im not dying of thirst in Africa
Im not an African, so I dont understand them, or their concept of good and bad, fair or unfair

my life has been very hard, just through illness
from which its taking years to recover to boot

and still I get added upon my back these fuckers, humans being shitty to me

I understand more than most, its pretty basic to me 'Be Nice'

I think humans are designed wrongly as a species
I get displeasure from hurting and pleasure from helping

and assholes get satisfaction from hurting
and theyre too stupid to realise their mistake

and the conscience
what a barrel of shit that is

oh GREAT
I feel bad AFTER Ive murdered someone
very helpful to people that is
maybe if youd have felt bad about thinking of killing them
BEFORE acting
then the person would be alive

conscience can be overridden anyway, if you want it to be, and keep doing what makes you feel bad until you dont feel that way anymore.

 

 

You release a bunch of homosapiens into a pen
and leave them alone, to be free
and youd get pretty much what we have
people helping people and people fucking each other over, the suffering and the saved

it depends how long you left them I suppose, as to if theres a happy ending

 

maybe if people were designed correctly
that you were born never to be an asshole
that would rock

then all youd have to worry about is nature
and life would be a lot fairer

I dont know,
I was a shit to my brother as a kid, as most brothers are
but I was always a nice guy
ever since I can remember
maybe it was all the care and childrens stories that came before my first memories

I just want to be left alone
if there is some grand scheme, Im sick of it
I dont want any more
I want to have long hair and to dye it and not be mocked as a freak
fuck God and jumping through hoops, if thats whats going on

Ive got enough dogma in me not to top myself, but god Id love to in some peaceful way

Im not after happiness anymore
mildly content would do
happiness doesnt last
I dont even want to have emotions

theyre mostly bad emotions
and Im sick of them

Maybe from when I took mushrooms, that has given me a dislike of strong joy
because its so unstable to be up there

a girlfreind would blow my mind and my life and my cock

but fuck it
if I cant be happy on my own, then whats the frigging point?
Its all so difficult to get one anyway

Ive got to fight myself
Ive got to miraculously find one I can get along with
Ive got to have some more money
or Ive got to find one locally
then Ive got to get round her, fight what other men have done to her, and fight her satisfaction in me

and the odds of a someone like me finding someone he has chemistry with, would be satisfied with and who has a big bottom in the local area are very slim indeed :(

and then theres these careers and shit
fuck it man
who fucking cares

someone else can jump through gods hoops
Ill just mildly suffer till I die of lung cancer
its a better life than it used to be
:(

 

Nietzsche said 'what doesnt kill me only serves to make me stronger'
and that was true for me
it is true
up to a point
after that you dont get stronger you get weaker

beware
you need some good to level out the bad, and its not going to come until you go get it
and if youre near exhausted like me, then its probably too late

and I did try
(I was always Jonah'd by my illness)
life is not fair

 

 

[update]
Depression is a tricky customer
it comes from within
and like a craving for a drug, will undercut your thoughts, sidestep them and make them appear false

you have to think positive, it feels good but you gotta think the opposite to get out of it
and thats tricky
because its undercutting you,
its like a scab you cant stop picking

you know its bad for you, but you keep picking at it because if feels good

you should not wallow, it is not productive or a good idea
youve got to fight it,
think positive
undercut the negative by forcing the most rational thought
which is to feel better, think positive

you need to talk to people

I need to put the past behind me, it does no good
its given me wisdom
but Ive been totting up the bad things that have happened
so when a new one occurs, my 'shit happens' cup overflows

Ive figured out my problem, thanks to writing to you
Im measuring everything on a scale of fairness
in a world that is inherently unfair

how silly, its no wonder I never get anywhere

from now on Im going to think, both in the big picture and the small picture

my problem, being a natural philosopher, is I always see the big picture, and big pictures are a lot to handle

what I need to do, is for everything that happens,
to see if it hurts, and if it does, look at it in the other picture

make it smaller, or insignificant

that
is my plan for the time being

and I will do more things, I will succeed in something that gives me pleasure
I will be okay

the past is to be put in the small picture, just the previous life of a very small part of the universe, which is now over

do not wallow in your depressions
they feel good but they are NOT good
fight with rationality
fight the good fight

 

Nick.Eliot[at]Cannotfindserver.net

 

<<<back